Take the Bus

After a week's absence from driving, I went again with dad today. I made mistakes. There was one point where I checked who was coming from the right at a Give Way sign for too long, while still moving forward. Dad told me what I did wrong, I agreed, then told him I'm trying to do things faster, because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. But then I said, I can't. So he told me that I shouldn't drive, I should instead take the bus.

I like the experience of driving, but in my mind, at this learning stage, it feels like a great mental weight, one I don't enjoy lugging around. Changing gears I do correctly most of the time, but then there's times when I muck up a little because I'm not concentrating, or I lose focus.

I concede that I'm a slow learner when it comes to a muscle memory activity like this. I still don't really know where my focus should be. I don't accept that driving is something mechanical where you look once every 10 seconds in the rearview mirror, then at the speedometer, then at the road, around, vicinity. My awareness, while driving feels fogged. I'm not certain why, but when dad says I have to be aware of where my car is on the road at all times, I fall short. My mind tries, then goes into a state of white smoke where my eyes feel heavier, and I'm trying to look places and go forth and for the most part I think I'm doing it correctly, but it's not perfect. Attention shifts, often. That's what perhaps tires me out. I'm used to zoning on something, but driving is not that, at least not at my stage of apprehension. So driving feels like multi-tasking.

After dad said I should take the bus, I said I probably should. I thought perhaps to get an automatic car, which would be simpler to drive... but I'm under the machoistic impression that I should reach a point where I am competent with manual driving. I like it, the movements... but my confidence is lacking.

I wonder whether things would be different: driving with just myself in the car. I mentally hold dad's being there as a crutch, though I don't think its a conscious thing. I rely on him to tell me what I'm doing wrong, instead of me taking the initiative to do it. I expect him to tell me my mistakes. I can more and more see what I'm doing wrong by myself, but somehow having him next to me makes me less eager to drive by myself. I think my mind lazies into letting him do the driving thinking, instead of me. And that's an automatic thing. Sometimes I try to imagine that I'm alone, driving, but that period only lasts a short time. He usually doesn't talk, but I'm aware he's checking everything and looking at what I'm doing and how. That scrutiny suggests to me that I'm not alone, so I can rely on another; even though I'm the one driving the car, he's really also directing me. And I kind of want to try driving by myself, so that I have no crutch, and so that my mind picks up its slack. I think, without him, but with my mind active, I would check things more myself, and be more vigilant and alert.